I get the worst aunt of the month award. Not only do I contribute to her getting a bloody nose yesterday, but today I forgot to pick her up from school! I feel really bad just thinking about it, the only thing that makes it better is that she's not my actual child. So I feel like shit today.

There is something that I need to get off my chest. I know that I will never understand guys, but just when I think I do, they do something completely fucked up again. As a girl I function differently I guess. For example, if I met someone from messenger and didn't even want to talk to them as a friend anymore afterwards, then I would probably not talk to the person anymore or just tell them I didn't want to talk anymore. Not guys apparently- first they leave messages like 'Sorry you had to leave so soon, I was nervous' and then 'I think your('re) very pretty'. It made me scratch my head especially when the same person avoids me on messenger for the next um... four or so days. I mean,, what the fuck is that all about?? Just for future reference guys- don't say words you don't mean. It must be the same brain thing that makes guys say I love you during sex when they don't mean it. Then again- it might be like me writing this. I might wish I hadn't? Oh well... it was just something that has confused me for the past couple of days. God, it still doesn't make sense to me- well if someone has the answer please tell me. Come on Rebekah- give me your insight- ask Jamie even.

I always get inspired to do things in the early morning- I finally brought books to Goodwill tonight at midnight. They had been sitting in a box downstairs for about um... 5 months. Tomorrow I'm going to bring the other box that has the encyclopedias from 1990. I also got some CDs back from my sister today- it has been almost a year since I let her borrow them. In fact I'm listening to them now- yippy!

My day with Taylor went great- well most of it was. We went to the park and she showed me where she got hurt- and we played and swung and talked about when the baby comes next month. We were having a grand time. Then we sat on this floating wood structure that is on top of a spring- we practiced spitting water- I was showing her how to do effective spitting because I saw it on TV. Well she was sitting on her knees and leaning over the edge of the wood seat- and next thing I know she is falling over the edge and hits her nose on a nearby wooden log. I was in total shock- I just knew that she would get hurt with me at the park I just didn't think it would be from doing something so stupid. So I jump off and pick her up and the blood started to flow freely. Luckily I had clean tissues- so I shove them in her nose. Then I had to calm her down enough so we could walk to the local laundry mat. I assumed it would have a pay phone- but then again I'm stupid- so no phone- I cornered two guys and asked if anyone had a cell phone. The first guy said no- and then the other guy reluctantly said yeah and offered it to me. I am an oddity- I don't have a cell phone. So my mom came and got us- because I didn't think Taylor would be up for a mile walk back. She so didn't want us to tell her parents because she thought she wouldn't be able to go on the playground anymore. But my parents ratted us out before we even got to the house.

Before I brought her back though we went to the family film 'Secondhand Lions'. It was hokey but I guess that's good in a family film. I cried when something happened to the lion. It was my first serious film with Taylor. She is starting to be so grown up.

I got the Totally Country Volume 3 CD. It is good because it has the Dusty Drake song- One Last Time on it. I cry every time I hear it. I like the other songs too- I already have some of them- but hey- I'm no pirate. I wish I could be though- because damn I like music and I have wasted a lot of money on CDs when all I needed was one or two songs.

I forgot to talk about my eyes- still don't care for glasses- but I'm starting to adjust to them. On the plus side- my eye color is noticeable because my eyes aren't red.

I'm feeling much better tonight. Mainly for one thing that has been weighing on my mind for about oh I don't know 52 days! So anyway- I watched MTV's Diary of Jack Black. I find him to be the funniest mother fucker ever- watching him makes me wish I had him as a friend. So now I'm all eager to see his new movie, School of Rock. I actually snorted while watching the show. I am eager to see another movie- one that surprises me- Kill Bill. It surprises me because I've never been a Quentin fan, or a fan of any other weird bloody, violent movie- but I want to see it??

Today is going to be fun- because I get to hang out with my niece. It will probably be our last hurrah before the baby comes. Then it will be like Taylor who?-where's the baby. Haha- okay not really. I have a great bond with Taylor and really I feel bad for this new baby because I won't see it as much as I did Taylor. I'm the only blood aunt- therefore more important. My mom doesn't have a sister- so I was cheated out of the close aunt relationship. Anyway- I'm going to make her demonstrate how she bit it at the Medary playground tomorrow- and who knows what else we will decide to do- the day is ours!

So very bored- and so fucking annoyed with my f-ing glasses. I am so mad right now that it is hard not to swear- but I'll try. I have to be PMSing because I am so moody lately, I feel like kicking someone one moment and then I'll watch five seconds of the 'Pet Psychic' and start crying. I don't get it! Right now I just feel like typing expletives on this damn blog. Rebekah- do you want to come down here again tomorrow night?? I'm so damn lonely- I need my friends. I have even wondered what I can hock for a plane ticket to Las Vegas- because I miss Dayna so much.

Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and sing 'All By Myself' and weep into a blankie- but it is getting beat by my other side- the restless side. I probably would have gone out to if it weren't for these damn glasses- I hate them. Yes- that's it- I will blame my glasses for everything bad that happens in my life.

Plus I would just like to bitch about something. Why do I and other women have to feel like they are a Russian mail order bride on messenger. I innocently talk to people and then it goes to the description of yourself- I give out less information at a physical exam than what the guys want to know. It starts out innocently a/s/l- and then in the next breath it's height, hair color, eye color, and weight. I guess some people are just interested in hooking up over messenger- but I just want to talk to interesting people and mainly I just want to talk to my friends. I guess because I don't converse with many women on IM I can't say this with certainty but- I don't care what a person looks like that I meet over messenger and I think that a lot of women feel the same way. I just don't know why I went on in the first place all it has brought me is trouble. And I don't want certain people thinking I am just talking about them- because I'm not- it's a lot of people I am talking about.

Terribly tragic news-

I got up this morning- well technically it was morning- and I start getting ready for my day. I take out the recycleables. I do some chores around the house, and then decide to put my contacts in. I put in my right one- and then move to the left- and I drop it down the sink. I was so pissed off, for about fifty different reasons. The top of the list being I hate wearing glasses. The other thing is the hassle and the price of the contacts and the check-up I know I have to have. I went and had my check-up this afternoon and the contact will hopefully get here early next week. So I am stuck with my pieces of crap- even though they don't look too bad.

I would also like to note something I find odd. I always look under the Yahoo Entertainment News first- because of course it's more important than World News and etc. Well I was in the Gossip/Celebrity section and I was disturbed that the whole Janklow shit was under it. I was like what the fuck! It didn't make sense, it still doesn't.

I'll try to sum up the second episode in a couple of sentences. My team Drake kicked ass in both challenges- of course. So they got to loot an item from the losers, Morgan, for the reward challenge. That was fun to witness- the hostility of the tribe when the representative came to claim their prize- the tarp that covered their housing- haha. Then my team had a little upset when the fishing spearhead was lost in the sea. But my guy Rupert found it. The challenges that the Survivor people come up with- are so damn weird. I am a total loon when it comes to seeing people compete in races- I get really nervous. I get nervous even if I really don't favor a team or person. Well anyway, Morgan had to vote off someone. Instead of kicking off the person who was pleading to leave (the black, fit Osten) they kick out 'Skinny Ryan' (I think that's his name?) I hope that it picks up next week- because this episode was kind of ho-hum. Alright it was a little longer than a couple of sentences.

I didn't just sit on my ass and watch TV all night- I got some walking in. I used to love walking alone in the summer time- but I am starting to miss my walking buddy who is always busy. It's lonely in the coolness of fall. So there I am all the time walking by myself. If I get hit by a car tell Vickie it was all her fault because she was the person in charge of looking out for that kind of stuff. My job is to make sure we don't step in dog poop or trip over sticks. I wonder how many neighborhood children are frightened of the crazy cat lady who walks all the time. I guess I should just start getting comfortable in that role. I want another kitty- but I'm not going to do it. I don't know if I could deal with fighting- and my cat would be a major fight instigator. Then again she would try to fight someone other than me, hmm.... Sorry, my mind is all over the place tonight.

Survivor is the only actual TV I watched during prime time. But I had a little mini-marathon of Season 3 of Friends- borrowed from my sister. I was completely shocked to realize that I had never seen three back-to-back episodes of the season. It's not like I was so popular during that time- I was going to guess when they originally aired- but I cheated and looked- it was my senior year in high school. I know for a fact that I was home those nights, because frankly I had no life. I guess it is good because then I have something to look forward to in my sad lonely little life. I'm half joking.

So of course watching all the well-friends- has made me miss mine. I want someone to visit me.

Two little statistical facts that I thought I should share with the public. I'm not quite sure where I found them- just wrote them down because they interested me.

The cost of sequestering the jury in the O.J. Simpson trial: $2,985,052.

11% of Americans have thrown out a dish just because they "didn't want to wash it."

See I told you very informative, so Enjoy!

Oh my god- I'm back again. And I had someone enquire over my cycle today, so I thought I would bring back the countdown. It is now day 48- for those folks keeping track, I'm looking forward to the 30th. Today was my sister's 8th wedding anniversary- so yay for Amy and Mark! News on that front- my niece had her first gruesome playground accident today. She smacked her nose pretty good and even got to get x-rays taken. My poor little woman.

I got my walking done early today- so I was able to watch TV without feeling too guilty. So I am going to discuss all the programs I watched tonight. The first show was Gilmore Girls. I wasn't a huge fan right away with this show- but it grows on a person. I really enjoy the dry humor. All the characters in the show say the wittiest things. I wish that I had those kind of relationships where you trade lines so freely and smoothly. I usually just end up having to explain my joke to the other person. Anyway- the first episode of the season was alright. I wonder what is going to happen this year.

Then the next show was the Joe Schmo show. The patsy, Matt, is a really sweet guy. Makes you feel really bad for him. He is just so clueless in such an over the top situation. I am beginning to be hooked on the show. In truth the people that are really getting played are the actors, because they really like the guy they are tricking. For the 'immunity challenge' titled Master Debater what the writers set up is truly funny. They had Matt debate that 'Reality shows are mind numbing crap.' It was so classic making him do that.

I then watched another program that I really haven't kept up with- and it's weird because I have been an enthusiast for years and years. The Real World Paris is alright- but I just haven't wanted to watch it. Well I did tonight. I don't like mean people. People that go out of their way to put other people down. I think that the only thing worse than dealing with those people would be realizing when you yourself are a mean person. The girl on the show Leah, was saying and doing the most horrid things and acting like a complete bitch retard. How humiliating though to watch yourself at your worst on TV? I feel bad for her. That is why I will never be on a reality show- because I am aware that I can be a total bitch- I don't need to see myself doing it on TV for years and years to come.

Sad news today- the Maytag man, Gordon Jump, died. I was quite sad when I found out.

I just thought I would update tonight- what else do I have to do? After the last entry my friend with all the boy problems solved them and had sex with the trouble maker. Nothing like a little half-time nookie to make the Sunday bright. I guess I wouldn't know though. I pretty much sat on my ass all day- well until about 5:30 when I got a call from my friend Vickie. She rented 'Gangs Of New York' and wanted me to come and watch it with her. So I did. It definitely didn't deserve best picture at the Oscars (good thing my favorite won). It wasn't terrible, but it still wasn't the best movie ever- in fact, I wouldn't buy it or have too much desire to watch the whole thing again. Leo just doesn't reel me in anymore.

I also got sent some pictures from the wedding I was a bridesmaid in August 30. I was one freakishly tan mother fucker. So I thought I should update you on the pigment of my skin- it is still tan- just not freakishly. By November all traces will be gone- except for wrinkles and freckles. Feel sorry for me. Plus the camera angle I was always positioned on- was not the most flattering for me I must say- yet I was always put there. I am one of those weird people who knows what angle they are best photographed on- but it always is true.

A word to the wise- if you hate women raving over babies- then you should avoid this blog in about a month. Why you may be asking? Because I'm going to be an aunt again- after 6 years and 9 months. I am going to be super antimated when it comes to describing the baby. My sister has been pregnant for a while now obviously- but it is just starting to sink in that I am going to get to spoil another little girl. I was super involved with my niece when she was little- it might be a little different for this baby- but I'll be more mature now. So remember you have been warned

I decided that I am going to start putting in some witty things that I found in one of my Uncle John's Bathroom Readers. If you have never heard about the books you should check them out because they are really good for finding out about trivial stuff and some not so trivial information. You can read it when in the bathroom- but I generally don't. So here is the first one-

Cliff Clavinism on Freud: 'A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're really thinking about a mother.'

I went out Saturday night. I was out from 6:30 until closing. I am quite proud of myself though because I didn't go overboard with drinking. I met my good friend Rebekah at Skinners. See I told you I'd mention you!! It was so good seeing her, and discussing good times from our past and making new good times. We had a lot- and I mean a lot of old crazy times. Ah! the stupidity of youth! We were both lucky because a favorite beer of ours Berry Weiss was cheap. While Rebekah was talking to a friend at Skinners I went to the Chevy by myself. I had a good time people watching, I always have mixed emotions about being invisible at bars. Because then I think- man at least I am not noticibly freakish but then I feel like what is wrong with me why does no one notice me. That's me, I am never happy. I had my share of drunken boys/men approach me during the night to make me feel like I was there. I am just not a party girl, I am a happy person, but I just can't do the dancing like a hoochie thing anymore that I did when I was 22-23. It is just too tiring, and it just makes you do really regretable things.

Then I got home and got the house slightly picked up for when my friend came over to crash at my place. It was a really sober night for me, and that is a good thing. So I sleep until late in the morning- wake up and say goodbye to my friend, who I still have questions for- yes I'm talking to you! I then head off to my room to snuggle with my cat and I receive a phone call from another friend as soon as I get in bed. She wants to meet. So I talk to her outside on my sidewalk, and she has boy problems- aka- a guy did something to make her feel like shit. Guys are so good at doing that to me and my friends. So we had a little pow wow about how she should handle it- and I hope I did the right job in listening to her and giving her feedback. Guys reading this- do something for me please- think before you speak. If you are tempted to be passive aggressive with a girl- don't. That's our job.

So many things to do and how do I waste my time- watching TV of course. It was so damn cold out today, I hate that, I want summer back! I am going to go and walk earlier than I ordinarily do because I almost froze my ass of tonight. Anyway here it is my first review of Survivor Pearl Islands. Now don't get too excited- haha. I know that no one else cares but me and that I am doing it for my own pleasure- that's what makes it all worthwhile.

So where should I begin with my review of the new Survivor? I think I will start with the incredible twist that was already announced. I already knew they would be thrown overboard with the clothes on their backs, but I was unaware of how they were going to get their supplies. This was the part that made the show really interesting to me- because this was the survivors being able to obtain tools that they wanted- mind you from a limited village. It will be interesting to find out what supplies they forgot or which ones are really functional for them. There are a lot of hot men in this Survivor- but right now they are nameless hot guys with little personality. The women are not overly annoying unlike last season (Heidi, Jenna). The two teams, Drake and Morgan, named after legendary pirates are, I believe, pretty evenly matched for physical strength. Something that caught my attention is that this is the first Survivor in a long time without a really old person. The oldest person I believe is in their late 40s or early fifties, possibly even younger.

Another shocking moment for me was when Drake tribe member Rupert- or as I and his team calls him Blackbeard- pillaged the other teams shoes and traded them for supplies. He is a troubled teen mentor- that's what really got me. I couldn't stop laughing for about two minutes. I must applaud the casters of the show on getting a huge burly man for the show, encapturing the image of the pirates that once roamed the islands that Survivor takes place on. Plus, he reminds me of Hagrid from Harry Potter. One of his tribe mates, Sandra, worked wonders with her ability to speak to the locals- getting a lunch of chicken and tin foil for the road, and other helpful supplies. On the other tribe, Morgan, one person stuck out to me- Osten a young black male. He traded all his clothes except his boxers! What a dumbass. I did feel pity for the girl who was only wearing a tube dress, with only a thong on underneath. Luckily she, Nicole, was the first one kicked out- because that would have sucked being in for more than the three days she was stuck on the island. What blew my mind is that both tribes didn't try to get more clothing while in the village. As soon as they were done they paid for a boat ride to their island.

The islands seem really cool- and I hope that more exploration takes place soon. The bug bites that the Drake team suffered were unbelievable. Huge bumps covered every inch of their skin. Rupert again amazed me with his ability to provide for his fellow survivors. And any guy who can feel comfortable in a skirt is pretty cool- but I'm glad I didn't have to see it in person. But despite the bug bites, Drake went on to win immunity in a tight race with the Morgan tribe with their three nude men. I am really excited about this Survivor I think that it will be a good one.

There are an abundance of articles out that make my day- hopefully this one will make yours.

If you haven't guessed from my previous entries- I am a night owl. I wonder if I ever will get to bed at a 'decent hour' (as my dad likes to say) in my life. I am up and extremely bored and wish-washy. I don't know what to do about something and it is making me feel really crazy. Tonight was a night when I could have just driven around in my car forever in order not to stay at home. I only circled the huge metropolis that is Brookings twice and then decided to go home. So I have been trying to bore myself to sleep for a while, but I can't do it well enough.

I will speak of my freak IM encounter today. It was a guy my age who was a dad to two kids, divorced- and he seemed alright for the first couple minutes of talking to him. Then he starts talking about how he had a vasectomy. That just blows my mind. I talked about that with a friend later and she didn't find it as shocking. But I asked him how he could do that- what if he met someone who wanted kids later on? I just find that extremely off putting to decide that's it at such a young age. Anyway his talking was getting toward the nasty side so I decide to check out his profile- and a shot of his penis greeted me. That is when I put him on my ignore list. What is it about my profile that attracts so many weirdos? I am tempted to remove my profile from yahoo- but I have met some decent people from it to. So I am torn- I guess I can always weed them out.

My cat scratched me today on the neck. I thought she punctured something because it hurt so bad. So now I look like I was mauled. It wasn't her fault though- she freaked out over something and was trying to make a dash from my arms and my throat just happened to be in the way. I just chased her from me for an hour after it happened. I don't think pointing at the scratch and saying, 'See what you did to me!' got through to her. Oh well!

I had a dream about a baby last night- it was my soon to be born niece. I had to bring her to a day care but to get there I had to traverse a jungle gym kind of thing. So I managed to hand the infant to people on the other side but then I struggled trying to get myself over. It was a very annoying dream- because I was struggling so much. Sorry my dreams are complicated to explain, so you probably are thinking I am a freak. Well, I am.

Tomorrow night is Survivor Night- it is like a date between my mother and me. We watch it together and pick it apart during the commercial breaks. It is a tradition. We have discontinued a lot of holiday traditions but yet we maintain this Survivor one. So be sure if I find it at all interesting there will be comments about the episodes and the contestants. For example if it was last season I would have been bitching about Heidi and Jenna- because they are anorexic whores and I hated them. So yay! So much to look forward to......

This must be a banner week for London scientists- check this article about um- ancient artifacts.

I just thought I would talk about an article I came across today- it is scientific- it is about sleep positions . Alright it isn't too deep! I am a loud and gregarious person according to the article because most of the time I sleep, I free fall on my tummy with my hands by my face. I am one of the rarest sleepers there is according to the survey. You should check it out and see what they say about your sleeping position. I frankly think it is full of shit- but it is good for a laugh.

I love talking about sleeping and dreams. A couple of nights ago I had a dream with tons of little frogs underneath my friend Kathy's bed. It was a weird dream- and I haven't yet looked up the meaning of frogs in a dream dictionary- In fact I think I am going to go and do that-

I tried to look up the meaning of my dream- and I couldn't find anything- other than frogs are a sign of health problems. Well, I guess I got that part going on in my life- it's now 42 days!!!!!! That, and I found out that I have a wart- goo! I have never had one and I get one now! I am dealing with it with medicated patches- and it is weird because I can feel it die. Haha- sorry the absurdity of me discussing this is just kicking in. Well, pray for my finger's quick healing

I'm not used to feeling like the Grinch- but today I am pretty dang close. I am not a person who ordinarily plays with other people's feelings. But I believe that I did something like that recently. All I can say is that I am sorry.

I am having the worst couple of days. I am feeling so alone and it is the worst kind of alone- because for the most part I know that I am isolating myself. I am basically having the poor me kind of day. Right now I don't even feel like I have anyone to call up and whine to- so how am I expressing myself?- that's right I'm talking to a computer. I am too damn old to be acting like a 16 year-old. I feel like a fake and a phony. I just plain feel awful. I was already feeling that way slightly and then I had a bad encounter about an hour ago. It made me look at my actions and so now I am trying to do that. I think that my unconscious thoughts are leading me to treat people badly. And that is probably all I am going to say about that- it may sound like crazy jibberish- and it probably is- but I just typed my feelings.

As a side note to the fact that I am in a dark mood I watched a portion of 'The Whole Wide World' with Vincent D'Offrino and Renee Zellweiger- sorry the spelling is probably terrible. That is another crazy 'love' movie- but I love watching it. The intensity of the kisses is well um-intense. I guess I am just very confused about what is and what isn't love. But I guess that is about everyone on this earth. The best romance movie for me- is 'When Harry Met Sally'. That is what I want- I want friendship, comedy, well I guess I want to be Sally and meet my Harry.

For any of my friends that actually read this- you can contact me and cheer me up anytime.

I become some other person when I am drunk- and it is not good. If you need proof- just look below at the previous entry. I was such a reject last night. Oh well- that's part of who I am- so I'm leaving it on. But the bad side effect of my wild night was the hangover I suffered through all day. I sat on my ass and watched TV pretty much all day- when I wasn't sleeping. I think it was because I had prided myself on never having a hangover anymore- my body wanted to say 'Oh yeah- you think so- not so fast!' I remember thinking to myself last night- Liquor before beer in the clear- Beer before liquor never been sicker- as I started off with beer. I generally don't start with beer- so I feel that the little rhyme is true. I can not do that anymore.

So I got some quality TV watching in today. I watched MTV's Wuthering Heights. I have of course read the book- so I unlike probably many of the viewers was watching it in interest to see how they would update it. I think they did a good job. The intense relationship between Catherine and Heathcliff is always so scary to me. I couldn't imagine loving someone or being obsessed with someone to that degree. There are two main ways to look at that story- the old way of 'how romantic' or the modern way,'what a stalker!'.

And right now I am watching the Joe Schmo show on Spike TV- it is hilarious. It is one of my new favorite shows. It is another reality type show- but this one actually needs writers and actors- everybody should check it out.

This is just outrageous that I am still sick- I am not drinking ever again. Ever.......

Hey! It's me- I'm pretty drunk! Yeah! I am finally at home- I decided to go out by myself tonight- it was fun- I talked to people from my past and had a blast. I am now sitting here waiting for someone to contact me because I am so- what's the word............ oh yeah- horny. I feel like a man when I am so turned on and ready to go. I hate that about me- I get so ready to go easily- well I guess it's not that bad. I just hate feeling like a rage of hormones. It was really fun going out by myself tonight though- I didn't have a friend that didn't want to stay at a place- I could decide by myself if I wanted to stay or not. I got to reminisce with my friend Josh who I met when I was a freshman- he's now homosexual. So unfortunately I wasn't able to get intimate with him. Nevermind anything I say because it is from a drunk mind. I wish that someone was done with some silly game because I would really like to meet him. I am not sure that I will be able to last an hour and a half more.

I walked today- only 3 miles but oh well- I decided that today would be my 'rest' day. I need those every once in a while. I might talk some more tonight- but right now I am going to get off the internet and call someone.

I hate days that are so extremely boring- because I think of the quote 'There are no boring days, just boring people.' I don't want to be boring. I just think I am going through college life withdrawal. I hate living in this town and having such limits on entertainment. I can't sit still lately so that limits my time spent watching TV or movies- so when I am feeling the urge to move I walk outside or I dance in the basement. I need a new hobby- something to keep me busy during the evening. The only way to describe my mindset is that it is like my grandma when she first had her stroke and obtained a Alzheimer like dementia. I took care of her for a month one summer when I was 19 and it was still unclear what had happened to her. She would get up and walk all day. She would always describe herself as 'ansy'. She lost all interest in things that had given her pleasure before- and all that she could think about is walking. That is how I feel today- just TODAY- don't worry about me too much I'm not going crazy.

It was a weird day waking up and finding out that John Ritter had died- I don't know why- but it was just surreal. I just thought not Jack Tripper! Not that I have watched more than 8 episodes in my lifetime of Three's Company, but... I think I thought it was part of a dream- because I was all groggy when I found out. The Johnny Cash death wasn't a surprise to anyone- not that 71 is so old, but he really looked sick. But I have nothing to say other than how boring I am and I shouldn't keep saying that or else you can add whiney to the list.

Fine- I admit it right away I did watch some TV today- but not too much to make me a basket case. I watched about an hour and a half total of stuff about 9/11. And I did cry. Well maybe next year I'll do better...

One thing that I did do a lot of today was walk- or else I may have watched more TV- I went a total of ten and a half miles. I haven't done that since before the wedding and it felt really good. I got home and I took off my shoes and the socks that I wore had thin fabric on the ankles and my shoe sawed through them- and left a hole in the back of my ankles- it was not fun. But I didn't feel the pain while I was walking- so it makes me feel all tough. I am probably just going to do 3 tomorrow because I will be tired- but it was worth it today.

Then I came home and took a bath- did tons of girly stuff- like gave myself a pedicure and put on a face mask. It was heavenly. While I was doing that I watched Chicago and wished that I could truly dance and sing. I just love musicals- it's a good thing I'm not a guy, because they can't fully announce their love unless they are gay. I urge anyone male who hasn't seen it to rent it- there are tons of scantilly clad women in it. It is a wonderful movie- that is why I own it.

But I think I should finally head off to bed- It is about 3 in the morning.

I am not going to watch TV tomorrow- none. I saw a little bit of 9/11 coverage tonight- and I started to cry. That is just who I am- I don't think of all the politicians or what has happened since, or the various conspiracy theories about it- I just see the pictures and I hear the stories and I feel sad. I hate and I love that about myself- I have strong emotions- but I would rather not see the footage and feel nothing. I will probably pray for the families, but I cannot watch any more things on TV than I did tonight. But speaking of the events of that day- not just men but mainly them- make you feel like some weak person for feeling great sorrow for the families and America. That may be the big difference between men and women- I didn't go from sad to mad in five minutes- I am still stuck in sad but not as much as I used to be. I know I already have discussed this, but I am thinking about it again. So anyone reading this forget Bush, forget Osama, and just remember an inspirational story about people helping one another two years ago. And pray for the families that are grieving for lost loved ones.

Today Brookings got some good rain showers- I went on two walks. I got caught out in the rain both times- the first I was slightly damp from- but the last one was a drencher. I was soaked to the skin- with my white shirt plastered to my skin and my black bra- I'm sure that looked nice. I love being out in the rain though- and I only had to walk the equivalent of a mile and half in rain. I probably looked like a drowned rat but I always feel like I look wonderful all soaked. I think I get that from movies- because all the girls always look so fresh when they are in the rain or in a swimming pool. My hair just flattens to my head- and my eyes are just slits because I fear losing a contact.

I have also decided that I need to rein in my going out and drinking- it makes me do very regrettable things. I don't need to go into details- but if you listen to the Christina Aguilera song 'Dirrty'- it has a line that makes me feel very dirty now and every time I hear it I will feel the same way. A couple of drinks is fine- I need to draw the line there though.

Not much news or interesting crap to talk about so I will cut myself off before I start rambling any more than I have.

I had to look at the directions I did last night- and I know they still don't make any sense, but I corrected some of them.

I am on day 35- nothing. I have given up hope by now though. So you may not have to endure the countdown any more.

On to other stuff- I just wanted to share the actions to a current hit song that my niece and I came up with this summer. Everybody should come up with choreography to at least one song- it entertains you and others. Ours is to the number one smash hit- 'Five O'Clock Somewhere' by Alan Jackson and featuring Jimmy Buffet. Yes, yes I know teaching a 6 year-old actions to a drinking song- that's alright though I'm already the black sheep of the family. I'll break it down for you:

We start at the chorus

'Pour me something tall and strong'- start out making a pouring action with one arm (make it dramatic)- then for tall we hold one arm up high with the hand horizontal over our head and the other as low as you can take it- for strong we do the typical muscle man pose with clenched fists and everything- this line goes fast so you have to be on top of your game.

'Make it a Hurricane'- for this we take one arm and raise our hand and stick out our pointer finger and make circles over our heads with the finger pointing towards the sky- warning just one hand for this line!

'Before I go insane'- now this is when it gets tricky- take both arms and raise your hands to the side of your head- point at your head and make circles slightly smaller than you did for the hurricane. Did you get it?

'It's only half past twelve'- for this we again use the reliable pointer finger from one hand and tap it on an invisible watch on the other wrist.

'But I don't care'- for this we do a shrugging motion with our shoulders with our palms of our hands facing up- so you look like a W basically- Sorry it is just too damn complicated to type out

'It's Five O'Clock Somewhere'- this is my niece's favorite part- this is when we put out our hand (just one) to demonstrate five mind you- and clap hands to the beat of the song.

The chorus repeats twice that way but then Jimmy Buffet enters the picture and the chorus is repeated in a tricky manner so you have to be quick and not go to the wrong actions- practice and hey if I see you doing this dance when the song comes on then I will know that you have read these informative directions.


Okay just remembered that I must share the latest dance craze. I also have to exclaim over something I never knew I needed to live until a couple weeks ago. I consider myself to be a girly girl- I do facial masks, and wear make-up, paint my toes and finger nails. I like to think I am up to date on beauty techniques and etc. But now I have something to add to my list of 'where have you been all my life' next to eyebrow waxing and plucking. And it is French manicures. They are wonderful- and for someone like me who has fairly short nails they are a miracle illusion. I love having one so much- my nails- fingers and toes are both oh la la! I have also tried to share the experience with my friends and family- I have already done a friend's twice and tonight I did my mom's nails. I am obsessed, maybe I'll become a manicurist? Haha- I sound so shallow- but oh well!

Not much going on in my life- bored- and I think I have a cold or sinus infection- yuck! But I think that is all I have to say tonight- so practice the actions for the song- and feel free to come up with your own actions!

Day 32- I think I am going through early menopause! I am feeling a little sad and missing my friends. The reality that I won't see them for a long time is finally hitting- a week later. Not that I don't have friends still around, but all my college friends are gone. I went to SF yesterday- for no particular reason. Went to the Arts Festival thing- I don't know when I will finally get excited about the chance to buy tacky things for a house- but I dread the day. I feel like complete shit today, I only slept for about 5 hours. I woke up and I was so thirsty- probably shouldn't have drank two bottles of Arbor Mist and the various drinks after. I am in the go out mode lately though- so I guess I will have to just ride it out. I am grateful to not suffer hangovers anymore, I can drink about anything lately and still be in a fairly good mood and health the next morning.

I have watched three movies within the last 24 hours- I feel like a complete pile. I need to go out and enjoy the warmth before it is gone and take a couple of walks. I thought I had something to talk about, but I can't remember what it was.... maybe I'll remember later.

'How lovely to be a woman the wait was well worthwhile,' I believe that is from a song in Bye Bye Birdie. It is absolute bullshit. I loved life when I wasn't an official woman which for the record started late for me, age 14 I believe. Not that I mind it all the time, but when you just wait and wait for days for the damn thing to arrive it makes any woman insane. The weird thing is that I have nothing to fear from its absence, but your mind works in wonderfully imaginative ways when you wait. This is something I want guys to be appreciative about, they rarely have to suffer through all the waiting, just another example of women suffering for the 'sins' of Eve. Oh well! Not that any person reading this wanted to know about my menstrual cycle, but damn it this is my blog and it's on my mind! I am on 31 days when it is normally 28 or 29. Grrrrrr!

I went to the Bobcat football game tonight- thrilling I tell you. I generally only care for sports if I know people who are in them. I went with my mom and my niece. Tonight was the first game when she has school friends she got to hang out with another girl. It was probably really exciting for her, and scary for me to allow her to go out of my sight. She's not a baby anymore though... although I reminded her to scream and kick and say loud, 'THIS IS NOT MY PARENT- THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE ME- HELP,' if someone grabbed her. I just couldn't live with myself if anything happened to that little girl. I can't believe she is almost 7.

I have had an experience with a guy on messenger who insulted me to try to engage me in further conversations. I think that is counterproductive- anyone else agree? I makes me grateful for the other nice guys I have talked to, and their understanding about my limits.

On to other things- I am having a love affair these days. But it's not that kind of affair- I just fell back in love with my cat. She missed me horribly when I was gone last week, even though she would never admit to it. Yes, I know sounds like I'm on my way to 'scary cat lady' status- but it's not that bad.

I am sure that I will update in the next couple of days- maybe I will get something interesting to talk about by then. There's always hope.....

It's a little later and I just felt like rambling some more. As I was walking a couple of nights ago I started contemplating my change of attitude when I was in Minnesota this weekend. I felt like a new person despite being in a wedding and all the crap involved with it. It made me start thinking about my relationship with South Dakota. I decided that I have an abusive boyfriend relationship with it. I am sure that I will come up with more examples but here are the couple I thought of:

A. As soon as I get away from the state I feel relief for the first couple of days and I don't think about being there, but after a couple of days I start to miss being home. That is like a girl getting away from her boyfriend and forgetting the abuse. It is like thinking of the blows received as love taps. That is how I get when I am away from SD or at least Brookings.

B. I contemplate moving but then I think about how good my life is economically. That is one of the main reasons that women stay with abusers, fear of economic struggles.

C. I also contemplate moving but then I think about how my family life would be affected. Ditto for the beat down woman.

So basically South Dakota is beating the shit out of me, but I continue to stay. Yes, this is how my mind functions..... I just felt so happy and so lite when I was gone from Thursday to Sunday night. As soon as I got close to SD I felt a wave of dread come over me, the smile that was on my face disappeared. It made me realize that I need to give a different location a try, because obviously 25 years of living in the same town has not made me love it so much that leaving will kill me. Since I enjoyed the hours of the casino/hotel that I stayed at for the wedding, I am contemplating joining my friend Dayna in Vegas. I could get used to people being up all day, especially at 4 in the morning.

I have always loved fall the most out of all the seasons, but this year I am really going to miss the summer. I think as you get older the rituals of getting your new clothes and school supplies is still a fun time, and then you find yourself not doing it. I was gone for four days and I come back and it is already cool when I walk at night. Fall is just coming too fast. Yesterday was a terrible day for me, I am felt like a pile of shit. I had to force myself to walk yesterday and that was just three miles. My day consisted of being a bum like normal, but the crucial element was sitting on my ass and watching television for about 4 hours. I had missed the infamous kiss between Britney and Madonna and so I had to see it. That was probably the only part I had to watch but I continued to watch the whole VMAs. Never again am I sitting on my ass and watching that much television. When I think of how much time I wasted in front of a television set it makes me sick.

I am an emotional and introspective person, I tend to fixate on things to an unhealthy degree when in a certain state of mind. Case in point, the events of September 11th. It is very weird to realize the second 'anniversary' is soon. I hate using the word anniversary. I just remember the mindset I was in last year at the time and I am so grateful I'm not going to feel the same way. I probably went through a whole box of tissues. I wanted to be miserable last year, and this year I want to be happy.

I am reading a book and I throughly enjoyed a little paragraph about people making mixed tapes, so here it goes:

"...You know, how you used to, when you were too young to know who you really were so you'd make tapes for each other, a way of saying, "This is me, this is who I am, this is what I like, and because I like you so much, I want you to like it, too," before you had a job or a car or a flat (set in London) or a history or a proper personality that could say all that for you. So he'd make her endless tapes, spent hours painstakingly picking through his record collection for just the right track, hours recording them onto tapes he bulk-bought from Woolies. And then when he'd handed them to her proudly, wanting her so much to love them, to love his music as much as he loved it. And she had. And that had made him love her even more than he already did..."

That was from Ralph's Party by Lisa Jewell. It isn't that wonderful of a book, but I liked that segment. I miss that about making tapes, you only feel a fraction of the pride and accomplishment when you make CDs. I cherish CDs and tapes I get from people. I would take one over an expensive and thoughtless gift any day. I am going to be one of those mothers that insists that all cards will be handmade for Mother's Day, birthdays, etc.

Happy Labor Day!
It is Monday- I got back from the wedding of one of my best friends Kathy yesterday night. It was so much fun to A. get out of this town and B. to see my friends. I got to Hastings, MN on Thursday at 4 and spent the rest of the night hauling my crap into the hotel we stayed at and getting ready for the bachelorette night. We got dressed and finally headed out at 11. I made her take blow job shots and drink through penis straws. It wasn't what I would do if we had it at a place I knew but I made do. We had fun and stayed out until 4:30. The next two days went by so fast that right now I feel like I have whiplash. I got slightly weepy three times. The final time was when I said goodbye to my friend the new Mrs. We both started to cry like babies. She is my first close friend to get married. I had so much fun at the wedding, reception and dance. I actually had an out of body experience. I was so happy, all worries, fears, anxiety were lifted from my shoulders. I talked and danced and smiled. I want that feeling again. Of course most people would say it was the alcohol that created that feeling- but I assure you I felt that way all day. The alcohol was nice though. The last time I felt that way was on my birthday this July. Just a feeling of being so comfortable with your body and your emotions that you didn't have to try to be something different than who you are. I thought I could only be that way with the right person, but from this last weekend I finally discovered that like Dorothy I didn't need the shoes I always had the power to get home. Deep, I know. Not to say that I don't want just one person being around when I feel that way and being a main reason for the good feeling, but it is very reassuring to know that I don't have to be waiting for that guy to show up. Plus I know that I am not ready for that person anyway. Not that the thought of getting married frightens me, I think that when you know you know for sure. I have never told any man I love them before, so maybe I will just work on that goal- find someone to love. I am getting tired of like though- I think that there is a certain age when you want to act like a woman. I realized this weekend that I have reached that point. Of course that changes from day to day, but I think I did a good impression of a grown-up.

As a side note- I went to Target when I was in Hastings and I found something that I love. I needed a new purse. I was looking through the racks and I discovered the coolest patent idea ever. A purse with an automatic light pointed into the purse. Anyone reading this man or woman should rush to a local Target and buy at least one.

I am sure I will share more thoughts from the wedding, but I'm tired now so I think that I am going to bed for the night. But I have to share that all my tanning this summer paid off- I was the tannest person in the wedding party and possibly the wedding. Yay! for me!