Marcel Proust and the erotics of waiting

Nice title huh- and suprise!

I didn't plan on coming home to Brookings for a while- but what can I say my parents practically begged me to come and visit. I am just spending the night and then heading home in the morning for work- yay!

I have just started reading a book I got from the library- it is called A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman. It is pretty interesting- I came across an article in it titled- you guessed it the title above. It is about Marcel Proust and basically I found out that I share some Proustian characteristics. Tragically insecure- they don't start a love affair to avoid suffering; a state of priviliged suffering is what they seek. According to Proust though that is what we all seek, because it makes shamans of us, allowing us to peer into life's sacred and hidden heart. I have never been good about quoting and referencing- so most of that is straight from the book- and I am not claiming it as my own words. I think that is what I am realizing about myself- no matter how much I deny it- I am seeking love. The love I seek has always been to make me suffer.

I have tried to make even myself believe that I am somebody different than who I am. I need to start shaking myself out of that- I am so much better than setting myself up to fail at love- I deserve happiness. I think that is what has made me feel a connection to Proust because he never felt like anyone loved him- they enjoyed his company but they didn't love him. I don't think that I could leave this world without feeling love from another person- preferably with good sex involved. Sorry it was just getting too deep.

I talked to my good friend Kathy- the married one- the other night. We have shared so many memories- I can't wait to share many more with her in the future. When I think about how much time we 'wasted' together in college it makes me envious. The best times we spent were the days we just sat on our asses and talked. I am happy that I have had some great close friends in my life- I can't wait to meet the other life-long friends. Because I truly believe that people are in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime- you just have to realize which one and then you can relax.
I am going to head to bed soon- on the uncomfortable hard floor- yuck! That and I am not making much sense to anyone but myself- so ta-ta for now