What in the world am I doing here?

I really really was in Fairmont this morning at 1- and now I am in Brookings. I got home in SF at about 4:30 PM and decided to come home to Brookings for a visit. I had laundry to do and I wanted to see the family. And now I wish I would have just stayed in SF. Oh well!

I had a blast in Fairmont this weekend- I think that being around Rebekah's family made me miss mine. And then I get home and I want to leave again! I should have just had a quiet evening at home with the cat.

I saw 50 First Dates last weekend- it was good- I hate how easily I am amused by 'college boy' humor. I just can't help it- I find it endearing. I also want to see 13 Going On 30. Anyway- not much to say really except that I can't wait until next weekend!

Oh yeah- and I wonder if Mitchell will call?? haha Rebekah- maybe he will be your Russian guy?

Hi I'm at Rebekah's house

I am sitting here slightly amped at my good friend Rebekah's house. I came up to A. spend more time with her and B. help paint her parent's house. We went out and had a great time at the local Fairmont Holiday Inn bar. We met a really hot 41 year old named Mitch. Anyway I am just showing her my blog and I thought I would type a little something. So there it is- yay!!!!

Marcel Proust and the erotics of waiting

Nice title huh- and suprise!

I didn't plan on coming home to Brookings for a while- but what can I say my parents practically begged me to come and visit. I am just spending the night and then heading home in the morning for work- yay!

I have just started reading a book I got from the library- it is called A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman. It is pretty interesting- I came across an article in it titled- you guessed it the title above. It is about Marcel Proust and basically I found out that I share some Proustian characteristics. Tragically insecure- they don't start a love affair to avoid suffering; a state of priviliged suffering is what they seek. According to Proust though that is what we all seek, because it makes shamans of us, allowing us to peer into life's sacred and hidden heart. I have never been good about quoting and referencing- so most of that is straight from the book- and I am not claiming it as my own words. I think that is what I am realizing about myself- no matter how much I deny it- I am seeking love. The love I seek has always been to make me suffer.

I have tried to make even myself believe that I am somebody different than who I am. I need to start shaking myself out of that- I am so much better than setting myself up to fail at love- I deserve happiness. I think that is what has made me feel a connection to Proust because he never felt like anyone loved him- they enjoyed his company but they didn't love him. I don't think that I could leave this world without feeling love from another person- preferably with good sex involved. Sorry it was just getting too deep.

I talked to my good friend Kathy- the married one- the other night. We have shared so many memories- I can't wait to share many more with her in the future. When I think about how much time we 'wasted' together in college it makes me envious. The best times we spent were the days we just sat on our asses and talked. I am happy that I have had some great close friends in my life- I can't wait to meet the other life-long friends. Because I truly believe that people are in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime- you just have to realize which one and then you can relax.
I am going to head to bed soon- on the uncomfortable hard floor- yuck! That and I am not making much sense to anyone but myself- so ta-ta for now

Till next time

I am going to be heading home tonight in about thirty minutes- I am excited to get back home but also very hesitant. I need, need, need to find another part time job in SF- I have been putting it off way too long. I also need to find a life- a new life- and stop holding onto possibilities that should have been taken a long time ago. I think this weekend has helped me realize that- I am going to shut the chapter of my life and move on.

I am hiding out in my parent's basement while they (mainly my mom) watch the Nick and Jessica Variety Hour- yikes! Weren't those banned in the late eighties?

I might not get back to the computer for a while- so people who know my number will have to contact me that way.

Chiao

sorry no cutesy title

It is 2:20 in the morning and I am awake- I haven't even gone to sleep yet. It is strange to be awake at two in the morning these days. I am still awake because I feel like something is going to happen soon- and I don't want to miss it. What it could be I have no idea.

I miss my cat- I miss my apartment- I miss my huge, wonderful bed, I miss the order of my life in Sioux Falls. When I come back home it is so disorderly that I just can't function properly. I am hoping that my living style won't cross over to obsessive compulsive cleaning. I do believe the worst part of coming home isn't that it is chaotic- but it just reminds me that I am going to be alone for at least another week (this time I think it will be two). I feel my loneliness so much stronger when I am around other people. When I am home in SF I don't curl into the fetal position and sob- in fact I haven't had a good cry session in forever. But when I am in Brookings I feel like bawling.

Well maybe I am going to be able to get to sleep now?

It's hip to be square

You will never guess what CD I got from the library today- well I guess you could if you read the title.... The Heart of Rock & Roll: The Best of Huey Lewis and the News. Oh yes I did! Plus I picked up Joss Stone's Soul Sessions, Buddy Jewell's self-titled CD, Beyonce's Dangerously In Love, and for fun Hilary Duff's Metamorphosis. I also picked up some interesting books that are not right in front of me- so I have a hard time remembering what the titles are. Anyway- I decided to come up for the weekend again- with Easter happening.

I also went to Ella Enchanted with my niece and sister. It was a cute movie- I would have adored it when I was little. I got the book for Taylor for an Easter gift. I also got her a book called Toothless Wonder. She seemed happy with them-(I gave them to her early). I also watched a movie this last week- American Splendor. I pretty much love it. I am so completely clueless about comics, so I hadn't heard anything about it before. I will eventually buy it.

Sorry I just must say- Huey Lewis had a lot of hits- it is hard to remember that- it reminds me of my childhood- awwww! I loved the video for Stuck With You- I am pretty sure that was the one set on the beach- right?

Something that makes me physically sick lately is the obsession of TV programs changing people with plastic surgery. It started with Extreme Makeover- and that was bad enough- letting people change everything unpleasant about their physical appearance to be a 'better person'. Now there is a show that takes it to the ultimate extreme. They take average women and change them into Barbie and have them compete in a pageant. The winner will be crowned the Swan- make me puke!

My parents got a digital camcorder- so I got to mess around with that today and film the young ones. Damn I am tired and it isn't even midnight yet- old age- I am probably only going to be up for thirty more minutes before I drop. I will be around most of tomorrow- I don't know what I am going to be doing- but I will be around.

Don't forget to 'Spring ahead'

Hello all!
It is so nice outside I don't know why I'm inside. Or why I'm in Brookings... But here I am. I just thought it was time to clean out my old room at my parents house. I have to go up and steam vac the carpet soon. I love to Spring clean- it just makes me feel good to get rid of the crap that accumlates in a house. My mom is a total pack rat- with everything- she doesn't get rid of old coupons and old magazines. I am going to come into this house when I am older and barely be able to walk if she doesn't get rid of shit. All right it isn't quite that bad- but it could become that way if she had her way. Anyway- I am so happy that Spring is here- I feel energized.
The only thing that sucks is that I really haven't met any new friends so I don't go out very much. I have employees where I work that ask me to go out but I don't really like mixing child care friends with my friend-friends. Maybe I am weird- but that is just me. So that is something that I am just kind of sad about...

I am excited about summer- I just wish that I could get tan again- but the only tan I will get is a farmer's tan. When I think about the amount of hours I wasted away last summer on my tan and computer I have a lot of feelings. I think that I could have been doing beneficial things- but I also needed that time to figure out me.

I also have a reason to feel friendless. I have a friend who always has 'used' me. I do a lot of listening with her- but we have been friends since we were five so I am used to it. Anyway a couple of weeks ago- she came up to SF and asked me to meet her for supper and to go out. Everytime she comes up she wants me to join her and her other friend and husband. I just want time with her alone sometimes- because I often feel fake when I am with them. Anyway- my friend is also having a friendship with a married man that just seems iffy to me. He is in Brookings and his wife lives in Iowa and my friend is spending a lot of time with him- supposedly just as friends. Anyway both I and her other friend say something about it at supper- that we are concerned, etc. On a phone conversation with her a couple of days later she tells me that she felt that I thought she was a slut versus her other friend who she only felt concern from. Anyway this was after I asked her if we could go out without the other friend sometime. She was just so short and snotty- that I just wanted to get off the phone. Anyway that was about three weeks ago and I haven't talked to her since. Yes, I realize that none of that makes sense. Short story- she has cut off her friendship because I was concerned about her and I want to spend time with her.

Damn, I had a lot to say today