I should be sleeping- but darn it I am awake! I just got done watching 'Kissing Jessica Stein'. I have been wanting to see it for a long time now. A quick summary of the movie is that a woman about 30 is tired of looking for 'Mr. Right' via blind dates. She answers a classified ad from a woman- and thus ensues a relationship that is somewhere between friendship and romance. It was really good- I enjoy independent films every once and a while. I related to the Jessica character- in a lot of ways. I didn't come away from the film looking at my life any differently though. I could never be a lesbian- sure it was fun acting stupid with friends when I was younger at bars for free drinks. But mainly that was just us trying to scam guys(it was pretty easily done). I like guys- and yet I hate them. I guess when I meet the right person I'll know- but as the years go by it is getting harder telling myself that and believing it.

I have an interview tomorrow in Sioux Falls- at a place I really am not so sure about how I get to. So I hope I find my way. That is why I should be in bed. I am going to have to curl my hair tomorrow- which totally pisses me off. It is getting so fucking long- that I am tempted to just chop it off. Then I regain my senses and talk myself out of it. In December if I still feel so strongly about it then I can do it. I have been growing my hair out for about a year and a half. It is long- past my shoulder blades. I just don't want to be the person who uses her hair as a security blanket, I wish I was the bohemian type with long hair but I can't really pull that off. So sooner than later, the hair will be cut.

I hate my body right now- I walk every fucking day- average of 6 miles a day- but am I seeing any firming up recently? The answer would be no. I did stupidly weigh myself the other day and I know that I have lost weight- about 50 pounds to be exact. But right now I am at a standstill- a plateau- and it is pissing me off and making me depressed. Then I start looking at myself through other people's eyes- which is so not good to do- but I am my mother's daughter. I do care what people think about me- but I hate when I let people's opinions become my own. So tomorrow I am going to go the falls and have a relaxing hour or so reading out of 'When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies' and try to regain a firm grip on how I react to assholes. Hot damn- it's almost 3 AM- I'm getting to sleep.