I am getting really extremely nervous about the upcoming wedding of my college roommate this weekend. I am in it, not even the maid of honor, just a plain old bridesmaid, but I am stressing it big time. I had the worst dream this morning. It took place in a mall, most of my horrible events in life take place in a mall, and I rush to the wedding with about 30 minutes before it starts. As I arrive I realize that I had missed all the photos- oops! I also realize that I don't have the shawl for the dress, so I go back across the mall to retrieve it. As I am heading back to the mall chapel I get terribly lost. I try to find my way out of the mall, and while I am frantically going through doors this big watch flashes before my face counting down the minutes left- 10, then 8, and etc. I find a door and start running on the sidewalk looking for the entrance closest to the chapel. But I am lost and frantic- and then I wake up. I almost cried when I woke up. I now realize that as far away as the possibility is- I can never have a traditional wedding (or maybe I should just never go to a mall again?) I would be crazy come the day of. I mean Hello! I can't even handle this wedding. I am going to have fun this weekend- no matter what happens- I have made this pledge to myself. It just sucks that the wedding just happens to take place when the gas is so damn expensive. I more than likely will have some fucked up dreams tonight- so maybe I will report that one as well.

Came across a poem- I really like it. It is by Rosario Castellanos and here it is:

Learning About Things

They taught me things all wrong,
the ones who teach things:
my parents, the teacher, the priest.
You have to be a good girl, they told me.

It’s enough to be good. Because the good person
gets a piece of candy, a medal, all the love, and heaven, too.

And it’s very easy to be good. All you have to do is lower
your eyelids
in order not to see or judge what others do
because it does not pertain to you.

You just don’t have to open your mouth not to protest
when someone shoves you because they didn’t
mean to hurt you or
they couldn’t help it or
because God is testing the mettle of your soul.

But, anyhow, when something bad does happen to you
you must accept it, even be grateful for it
but not return it. And don’t ask why.
Because good people
are not curious.

And you have to give. If you own a cape, cut it in two
and give one-half to someone else
-even though that someone else may very well be
a collector of other halves of capes.
That’s his business and your right hand must ignore
what your left hand... etc., etc.

And you must turn both cheeks. Ah, yes.

They won’t always be blows.

It may be a bouquet of flowers that gives you
hay fever. Or the seafood that gives
you an allergy.
Sometimes praise,
which if not false cuts to the quick
and if it is false offends. Forgive,
because that is what good people do.

So I obeyed. For it is known that
obedience is the greatest virtue.

So the years went by
And I was that stumbling block
the absent-minded tripped over or, better yet,
a punching bag
the strong tried out their skill on.

Sometimes at cards I would deal a royal flush
but this cleverness rained indifferently
upon my friends
and my friends’ friends,
I mean, my enemies.

So then I sat down to wait for the medal,
the piece of candy, and the smile, in short,
the prize in this world.

But all I saw was scorn for my own weakness,
hate for having been the tool
of others’ malice.

Since when did I have the right to want to canonize
myself using others’ vices or defects?
Why was I electing myself
the only chosen one?
Why was I that grain of sand in the works
that paralyzes every function?
Paralyzed, the doers were thinking.
And I was the efficient cause of their thoughts.
So for me there was only contempt.

Until I finally understood. So I made myself
into a well-oiled cog with which the machine
now turns perfectly.

A cog. I don’t have
any specific name or any attribute
according to which I can classify myself
as any better or any worse or even more or less useful
than any of the other cogs.

If I should have to come up with a justification
for someone (and there isn’t anyone- there never was any
witness for what happens)
I would say that I was in my place,
that I spun in the right direction at
the required speed and the required frequency.
That I never tried to get them to replace me
ahead of time or to allow me to continue once
I had been declared useless.

Before I finish I want to make it perfectly clear
that I did none of these things
out of humility. Since when are cogs humble?
Ridiculous! And that certainly
my behavior cannot be attributed to hope.

No, for a long time now heaven is a factor
that doesn’t figure in my calculations.

Conformity? Perhaps. Which, in a cog, like me,
is not in any way a merit,
but rather, at best, a condition.


I don't generally read much poetry- so I am probably putting up a famous poem and I don't know it. This poem just spoke to me. I just thought I would put it up for people to read.

As I was walking tonight I focused on one thing- a quote and how true it is. It was said by Michelle Ventor "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do."

I have been having problems lately deciding where someone fit into my life. But just like the quote says when you figure it out you feel relaxed. Because I thought a certain person could be at least a season. But his actions or lack of actions have lead me to accept that he was a reason. A very good reason while it lasted- and he served a need that I had. So when I was walking I thought about how many people out there that are mismatched. How many people are seeing a lifetime in a reason or a season, and vice versa? And this not just about a romantic relationship. This deals with all relationships. I guess that is part of life never knowing what people will come into it and which people will stay. Life would be very boring if we didn't have these different people. So after two weeks of being ignored I have come to the realization that the person came and went. What has been keeping me all racked with emotion is feeling like I was the person who is to 'blame' but I am past that now. See I like to just let all my emotions out for possible public display.

On a lighter note, I went to the library and stocked up on books. I always get thrilled when they have books that I want. I also got some CDs while I was there. This will show you what kind of person I am. I got The Muppet Show's Music, Mayhem, and More!, the Lizzie McGuire Movie soundtrack, and the musical Urinetown. Mind you I generally listen to more adult choices but... they called to me.
Something disturbing happened to me on an earlier walk with a friend. She called and told me she was running a little late that she had fallen asleep at 2 in the afternoon. I was confused about it, since she had told me she had just woke up at 1. So we start our walk at 3:15 and after a short conversation and three blocks she starts laughing to herself. Then she mentions that she called up a 'booty call' to arrange a possible early morning session. She continues to tell me that her guy says 'what about now?' and so I have the knowledge that my friend just had sex- goo! That whole situation I could go on for paragraphs about... but I'm not going to. It just reminded how much sex or intimacy I'm getting- which is none.
Another thing that will remind how lonely and single I am is a college roommate's wedding. I am a bridesmaid and it is on the 30th. So not only do I get to tell people that no I have no good job, but that I also don't have any romantic relationship. So guess who will be boozing it up come Saturday night, possibly by myself in my hotel room? But it will be a chance to look through old photos and laugh with friends so how can I complain?

Hey! This is my first blog- so I probably won't know what I am doing for the first couple of times. Just a fun way to get my thoughts out and hopefully share my world with others. Of course I will be happy just to ramble to myself, and believe me I do it a lot. My name is Sarah. I am 25, and from South Dakota. Hopefully I will share no more than those three facts about myself, because I don't want everyone to know who I am.