My grandma is dying

Nice title huh? But it is the truth- she suffered a stroke in 1998 that left her with multi-infarct dementia ( basically like sudden Alzheimers). I had a great relationship with my grandma until something happened in the family when I was 13 that basically ended our close relationship. Right after she had her stroke she was moved to an assisted living center in Brookings- but she didn't want to be there- she was insistent on returning to Miller (where she lived after my grandfather had died). So the plan for that summer was for me to move to her trailer with her to see how she could function. That was one of the hardest times in my life because my grandmother could not find interest in anything. Nothing was a diversion from the empty part of her mind- I could tell that life didn't mean much anymore. After living with her for a month, my relatives realizied that she wasn't going to be able to live alone. She went to live with my uncle for awhile before they realizied they couldn't care for her anymore. She has been living in a nursing home in Miller since about 1999, and my mom heard from her brothers that grandma has stopped eating and drinking. I went up with her last weekend and in the past she had spoke little, but this visit she said nothing. My mom feels so guilty and I feel so bad for my mom- because in a way all of her family should feel that guilt- but she is the only daughter (enough said!) In many ways I have already grieved my grandmother as she used to be- but it is still hard to let go of my past, my last grandparent. I wrote a paper in February 2000 about my grandmother that I had saved in the pile of papers from college. My mother and I talk to each other every night (yes- I am a mommy's girl) and my grandma sent my mom a letter at least once a week. Long handwritten notes- occasionally typed during the years that my grandmother wrote for the local Miller Press. The paper was supposed to answer the question 'whose diaries would you like to inherit and why?' I actually feel like those letters tell me all I would want to know- as I wrote 'These letters talk about feelings that my grandmother gave outright to my family, rather than hiding them until she died.'

Anyway- life is moving on. Work would be great if it weren't for some of my co-workers. I really need a long vacation from them- not the kids. My sister has a new job and a new show that she is totally in love with thanks to me spreading the Gospel of Gilmore Girls. She is addicted to it since I lent her my DVDs. I am so glad that Rory kicked Logan to the curb- will it stick though? Maybe Jess can comfort her! There is so much pop culture crap that I could talk about however I would like to focus on one of those shows that you don't admit to watching- Flavor of Love. Why any fairly attractive girl would want to even touch him I don't know- but damn it makes awesome trashy TV. If I had to spit on someone it would not have been the huge loogie that Pumkin spat on NY. How does one learn to spit those on people?

Oh one more thing is Project Runway- it is pretty good this season. I have no idea where they find these people but I hope they keep finding these personalities. I keep singing 'Lighten up it's just fashion! " Santino has to be a lead role in sequel to Zoolander- and Tim Gunn of course. 'Where is Andrae?' ---hahahahahaha

I went to The Family Stone and then rented Elizabethtown- I would reccomend the first. Maybe I didn't enjoy Elizabethtown because Jessica Biel is in it? Only for about 3minutes total, but just enough to turn my stomach. You know those people that are so attractive, but there is just some look in their eyes that makes you not like them- well that sums up how I feel about her. That is why I haven't seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre because I would be cheering for the maniacs to get her.

Alright I better get going- ta

Okay a couple of last things before I leave for home from MN. My hair is still mainly black and is getting long- past shoulder length. I keep thinking about getting it stripped and I never set up an appointment. I will have to invest in a black wig if I ever ever get the urge to dye my hair that color again- it's terrible. I have been having my PMS dreams the last two nights (they are very vivid and very strange) I hope I didn't yell out in my sleep- or worse, I sometimes believe that I still sleep walk. Anyway I lost the storylines of my dreams about 30 seconds after I woke up.

This is how incredibly lazy I am- I bought a tv for my bedroom- and managed to find a DVD player and VCR for it. I live by myself! I could go out into the living room barenaked or dressed in a chicken costume and no one would know- I only have me to entertain mainly- so why did I get another tv? Because I'm lazy! It actually has made me wake up a little earlier in the morning and start getting ready- yes that is all the motivation I need in the morning The Early Show.

I am starting to think that I am having a breakdown of some sorts because I am writing a bunch of nonsense. Maybe that is because my friend has been sleeping for over 12 hours and I am incredibly bored. Anyway bye

I'm alive

I have tried unsucessfully to get my computer at my parents to work- the cookies are disabled again- and whatever magical powers I had last time are not working now. I'm up in Fairmont, MN just hanging out with Rebekah again. It is kind of a lazy weekend. We went to Fun with Dick and Jane this afternoon- it was amusing as long as it lasted- definitely not one that I would want to watch over and over again. Then we went shopping- which is always fun! We went out for supper and then attempted to go to some local 'hotspots', but gave up looking for excitement and came back to her house and watched Underworld- which I had never seen yet.

Anyway- I did finally see RENT. In fact, I went two weekends in a row. I loved it of course. Anthony Rapp is so good- the whole cast is phenomenal- especially Mr. Jesse Martin from Law and Order. I have a little bit of a crush on him now.

Last weekend I went to a George Strait concert in Fargo- it was with Miranda Lambert and Tracy Lawrence- it was really good- but I went with my brother (who was so hungover and in an incredibly pissy mood) and my parents (who suprisingly were fun to be around). All three performers did a great job- Tracy Lawrence was so much fun- I really didn't appreciate how many of his songs I loved. Country music is really good people- just check it out!

My shows are doing well- Lost is pretty interesting- they really have done a lot of revealations lately with the 'monster' and introducing us more clearly to 'the others'. I've got Rebekah and her husband hooked on it since they borrowed Season 1 from me- they are eagerly awaiting the release of the second season since they don't have cable television. I don't really think that I could survive without cable television- every once and a while I get the 'crazy' notion that the TV is bad for me and that I should cancel it- but then I come to my senses. It has been about 27 hours since I have been at home and I don't have my wonderful channels that tell me about the world going on around me and I feel like I'm going insane! Well- on to the next topic...

Gilmore Girls is definitely taking new twists and turns. They have an actress Cheryl Flinn(?) returning to the show after she played a different character about 3 years ago. She was Jess's newly found stepmom and now she is the mother of Luke's newly found out about child. So the source of actresses was so small that they had to bring her back? Anyway- I wonder where they are going with it.

Scrubs is back- which is awesome. I have been watching more sitcoms recently- My Name is Earl and The Office. Project Runway is back and just as fun as last time- gay male fashion designers are so overly dramatic. And basically those are the only shows I care about enough to try to watch.

So anyway- I'm going to go- I'm reading The Devil Wears Prada and it really is fun to imagine that world of glamour and all the bitches that run it.

Happy Holidays

I'm up in Brookings on a Wednesday night- I have a funeral to go to tomorrow. An older relative of mine died on Christmas- so I am taking off tomorrow and going with my family. It has been a long time since I've gone to a funeral- I hope I don't freak out. This last weekend was horrendous- I had complete Hulk-like PMS towards my family on Christmas. It is amazing knowing that you are acting completely insane, and still not having any control over it. So on Christmas night I drove off in a huff- and then I find out that a relative died- so then I totally feel like a creep. It is times like that when I wish I was a guy- imagine not having those extreme emotions- or like a lot of guys- no emotions!

I'm watching the Ginger episode of South Park- it is hilarious. Still haven't seen RENT yet- it is at the 3 dollar theater. It better stay for a couple of weeks- because I will see it on the big screen- damn it!

Anyway- other than that my life is boring- per usual

It's Beginning to Look a lot like.....

Hello- I just got back from a stay at a local hotel- my niece had her 9th B-day party yesterday and I was asked to stay with them overnight. It was my sister and my two nieces. I slept in one bed with Taylor and my sister slept in the other bed with Samantha. My sister snored so loud and had so many different snores that I barely slept all night. It was terrible. I do not enjoy sleeping with other people. Anyway I'm trying to perk up, but I don't think that is going to happen. I'm sticking around town because tonight is the Survivor finale and I thought I would watch it with my mom. I had to go somewhere this last Thursday so I didn't see that last episode.

The last couple of weeks have been very tiring. I got sick with a stomach flu on Thanksgiving weekend and I had planned to go to RENT with my sister. That didn't happen. Then last weekend my friend Rebekah came up to SF on Friday and we came out to Brookings Saturday. We totally acted like we did 3 years ago- got completely plastered and I ended up crying. Made me feel like I was still in college. I was flirting with this guy and I thought it was going well, but then he basically bolted it was like a switch was flipped- it was strange- and it didn't help my self-esteem. Anyway Rebekah threw up the whole next day- and I felt just fine and dandy- I credit the break down I had on the way home. It was fun- I got to talk to grown-ups and act young- how do you beat that?

Anyway- we were going to see if we could go to RENT this weekend, but it is gone already. Crap! Oh- I am starting to regret coloring my hair black- seeing as it doesn't wash out and I can't dye over it. How do I know that you might ask- because I tried to- and it looks terrible- it colored my roots so now I have red roots and black hair- really klassy (yes with a k).

I haven't gotten out my decoration yet- mainly because I'm lazy- but also due to the fact that I haven't been home very much in the last three weeks. Okay- I'm practically falling alseep right now- so bye- Enjoy the Holidays.

Mean Girls

I am watching the special features on Mean Girls- it is about the book that inspired it- Queen Bees and Wannabees. It is very interesting- and I might have to look into the program that the author came up with- The Empower Program. I am so glad I bought it- it was 6 bucks so I thought- eh- I enjoyed it when I first saw it. Rosalind Wiseman is awesome. Anyway...

Yesterday I couldn't remember how old I was- I actually had to figure it out by writing it down. I was saying 26- but it didn't seem right- and it wasn't- I'm an old bitch- 27! It sucked- and since my family has a history of dementia- it was a little scary.

I went to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today- It was great- of course- but I sat in the side seats and my neck feels sore from looking over at the screen. As I was walking out I mentioned to my sister as I was looking at all the twenty-something guys in groups that were still in the theater- "Why can't I find someone- I mean look at all the guys that are "geeks"- I'm a geek" If only I knew.

My sister is done with her high pressure job this next week- and to celebrate we are going to go to RENT- I am so pumped. I have only waited for ten years for it to become a movie. I have seen a performance of it- so it should be interesting to see how it is translated to film. I move Anthony Rapp- so I am so excited.

Gilmore Girls and Lost have both been kick ass these last couple of weeks. I don't know if I mentioned Jess's return to GG already- but it was great- and thank the stars above he looked very good- and I never thought he was very attractive before. Please, have Rory change her mind and love Jess again- PLEASE!

I don't know if I am the only one but my place occasionally gets a little unorganized (alright- damn right messy and sloppy). Yesterday I cleaned it totally and when I woke up this morning it felt like Christmas morning- I couldn't wait to run out and soak up my beautiful apartment. It will also be great going home tonight and walking into Heaven on Earth.

One big reason why my aparment get a little crazy is because I have been making jewelry a lot- and I mean a lot of it. I have thought about trying to bring it to a consignment shop- but I like what I make too much- thus my overwhelming amount of crap that leads to the mess. Anyway- I am going to get going. Bye

Black Magic Woman

I totally feel like a witch- mainly because I colored my hair black- so black it looks blue in a certain light. I really don't know what came over me, but I kind of like it. I just needed a change. I kind of feel strange admitting it but my first thought when I looked at myself after putting on my make-up was I look a little like Catherine Zeta Jones- then I said alright maybe closer to Delta Burke. And that is the first thing that my mom said when she saw me, and my sister. I should be proud to look even slightly similiar- she was and is very pretty (yes I have decided to see it as a compliment). Anyway-I really didn't want to come up to Brookings so soon, but I had made a promise to see my niece's first cheerleader competition- and I forgot it was this weekend.

I'm leaving soon to go back home- because I am tired of sleeping in other beds on the weekend- I just want to go home and sleep the day away. Wish me luck at work on Monday- hopefully I won't scare all the kids.