The Myth of Me and You

I read this book last week (the title) it is by Leah Stewart and it is a novel about a woman's journey to find an old friend that she had abandoned years before. I had seen reviews about it and had planned on reading it, I think I was half believing that it would offer some insight into my friend betrayal that occurred about two years ago. The thing I realizied though when I was half through it is that I don't feel as strongly about it as I did- that pain has healed a lot. There is still scar tissue, but I don't wake up every morning feeling the pain. The only thing that I really could appreciate from the book is that I am not alone at grieving the loss of a friendship- in many ways it is worse than a romantic break-up. Since I have read the book I have had Vickie in dreams of mine- and they mimic real life. Anyway- I think she is living at home with her parents again- did I mention she was my neighbor all my life? Maybe people realizied what a bitch she was and dumped or fired her. Okay that was mean- I know, I know! I'll stop...

Now I am reading Shopaholic and Sister, mainly because I read the other three and I don't like to not finish a series. Those books always make me want to slap the shit out of the Becky Bloomwood because she's an idiot and at the same time I totally see myself in her actions.

Okay- I really don't know where I am going with this entry, but I better get to sleep it was a long long day at work

I'll leave you with one word of caution before I part- Only watch 'She's the Man' if you have a couple of hours to waste, absolutely nothing to do, and it's free. Otherwise see 'Just One of the Guys' (that is the title I think?) it was done better, that and it's an 80's movie which can't be beat!

Wow- I am such a bitch!

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you just don't care who you piss off? Well I have reached it and gone a mile beyond. I am constantly coming down to Brookings to see my relatives and no one ever comes up to see me. I almost lose my job, does anyone come up- no. I cry about how lonely I am, does anyone come up- no again. I get an award from work and am really excited about it- still no one. I'm bitching and yes I am fully aware of it. The same comment from everyone in my family is - 'When I have some money I'm going to come up and shop.'- um hello I don't come to Brookings for the vast opportunities to spend money I come up to see you shitheads. As a punishment/encouragement for my older niece her parents have decided that she wasn't going to have any sleepovers in Sioux Falls until she read all her required reading. It is basically my punishment- because I really enjoy doing things in Sioux Falls with my niece. Plus- maybe a better punishment would be to take her TV and DVD player out of her room - wouldn't that make more sense- but of course that would be taking away the 'babysitter'. Anyway- I am in my 'kick you in the balls' stage of PMS. Every little thing is making me want to scream. I always tell my cat she is lucky she doesn't have to deal with her family. Okay that sounds crazy- but she is often the only thing to talk to other than myself. Wow- I am so lonely.

Gilmore Girls made me almost puke this last Tuesday- Rory is the biggest cock tease ever- I am really not liking her this season. The writers are totally letting me down- I hope they can pull it together. Survivor is on, and yes I am watching it. Terry is as close to perfect as possible- perfect being Tom from last season. I am totally into the masculine powers he possesses. Rrrr! There are currently three shows I try not to miss- those first two and Lost- in other words I have Monday, Friday, and the weekend to possibly do things.

Another thing that I have recently enjoyed is finally biting the bullet and getting a library card from SF. I was convinced that it would be too hard to find somewhere to park or that I would get a parking ticket that I hadn't got one. Now I will be there all the time- because for me shopping and checking out books is really similar action to me. It feeds me desire to gather shit without making me really really poor- and I don't have all the clutter. When I get the urge to buy I'm going to go to the library- I promise!

I went to a couple of movies at the 3 dollar theatre recently- Brokeback Mountain and Rumor Has It. Both were disappointments- I was convinced that I would like the first, but I didn't. Heath's emotions weren't believable to me. Plus, I couldn't help think about the first time they make um (definitely not love) lets say lust -and that the first time a guy fucks me up the butt I would hope that it would involve a passionate kiss first- but that's just me. I just didn't leave the movie feeling touched which according to the ads I was supposed to feel. Rumor Has It was like I thought it would be- I don't really like Aniston or Costner- and the story line that a girl goes after the man who she thinks could have possibly been her father and then sleeps with him after taking his word that he is sterile- it was damn disgusting. But Mark Ruffalo was in it so what could I do? There wasn't near enough of him in it though. I am heading back to SF tonight and I plan on going to a movie tomorrow night- a couple came that I was curious about- basically all of them are frightening.

Anyway- I got to bitch about people anonymously and now I feel better. Thanks.

I'm still alive (and employed) and so is my grandma

The last two postings are really down- and rightfully so- they were dark times in my life. I am still employed and am working at fixing the past choices I made. It is really hard because I am having to do a lot of work on my time off from work. I just wanted to say something so people who might stumble upon this wouldn't think I offed myself.

Should I be saying this?

Hey guys-
I'm at my friend Rebekah's right now- hiding out from life in general. I have a 'situation' at work- born out of my own idiot past. I am on an administrative leave for a couple days. I didn't do anything completely sick or mean or criminal(?), but I did do something stupid about three years ago during my interview that I finally corrected yesterday. I have been crying almost nonstop the last three or so days. I might find out today what my future is going to be? I almost hope I get fired, then I can move on with my life. Anyway- I probably shouldn't be writing about this, because A. it is really private stuff and B. it makes me sound like a really terrible person, but anyway I did so... If anyone stumbles upon this blog please pray for me, really quick because I need the prayers.

My grandma is dying

Nice title huh? But it is the truth- she suffered a stroke in 1998 that left her with multi-infarct dementia ( basically like sudden Alzheimers). I had a great relationship with my grandma until something happened in the family when I was 13 that basically ended our close relationship. Right after she had her stroke she was moved to an assisted living center in Brookings- but she didn't want to be there- she was insistent on returning to Miller (where she lived after my grandfather had died). So the plan for that summer was for me to move to her trailer with her to see how she could function. That was one of the hardest times in my life because my grandmother could not find interest in anything. Nothing was a diversion from the empty part of her mind- I could tell that life didn't mean much anymore. After living with her for a month, my relatives realizied that she wasn't going to be able to live alone. She went to live with my uncle for awhile before they realizied they couldn't care for her anymore. She has been living in a nursing home in Miller since about 1999, and my mom heard from her brothers that grandma has stopped eating and drinking. I went up with her last weekend and in the past she had spoke little, but this visit she said nothing. My mom feels so guilty and I feel so bad for my mom- because in a way all of her family should feel that guilt- but she is the only daughter (enough said!) In many ways I have already grieved my grandmother as she used to be- but it is still hard to let go of my past, my last grandparent. I wrote a paper in February 2000 about my grandmother that I had saved in the pile of papers from college. My mother and I talk to each other every night (yes- I am a mommy's girl) and my grandma sent my mom a letter at least once a week. Long handwritten notes- occasionally typed during the years that my grandmother wrote for the local Miller Press. The paper was supposed to answer the question 'whose diaries would you like to inherit and why?' I actually feel like those letters tell me all I would want to know- as I wrote 'These letters talk about feelings that my grandmother gave outright to my family, rather than hiding them until she died.'

Anyway- life is moving on. Work would be great if it weren't for some of my co-workers. I really need a long vacation from them- not the kids. My sister has a new job and a new show that she is totally in love with thanks to me spreading the Gospel of Gilmore Girls. She is addicted to it since I lent her my DVDs. I am so glad that Rory kicked Logan to the curb- will it stick though? Maybe Jess can comfort her! There is so much pop culture crap that I could talk about however I would like to focus on one of those shows that you don't admit to watching- Flavor of Love. Why any fairly attractive girl would want to even touch him I don't know- but damn it makes awesome trashy TV. If I had to spit on someone it would not have been the huge loogie that Pumkin spat on NY. How does one learn to spit those on people?

Oh one more thing is Project Runway- it is pretty good this season. I have no idea where they find these people but I hope they keep finding these personalities. I keep singing 'Lighten up it's just fashion! " Santino has to be a lead role in sequel to Zoolander- and Tim Gunn of course. 'Where is Andrae?' ---hahahahahaha

I went to The Family Stone and then rented Elizabethtown- I would reccomend the first. Maybe I didn't enjoy Elizabethtown because Jessica Biel is in it? Only for about 3minutes total, but just enough to turn my stomach. You know those people that are so attractive, but there is just some look in their eyes that makes you not like them- well that sums up how I feel about her. That is why I haven't seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre because I would be cheering for the maniacs to get her.

Alright I better get going- ta

Okay a couple of last things before I leave for home from MN. My hair is still mainly black and is getting long- past shoulder length. I keep thinking about getting it stripped and I never set up an appointment. I will have to invest in a black wig if I ever ever get the urge to dye my hair that color again- it's terrible. I have been having my PMS dreams the last two nights (they are very vivid and very strange) I hope I didn't yell out in my sleep- or worse, I sometimes believe that I still sleep walk. Anyway I lost the storylines of my dreams about 30 seconds after I woke up.

This is how incredibly lazy I am- I bought a tv for my bedroom- and managed to find a DVD player and VCR for it. I live by myself! I could go out into the living room barenaked or dressed in a chicken costume and no one would know- I only have me to entertain mainly- so why did I get another tv? Because I'm lazy! It actually has made me wake up a little earlier in the morning and start getting ready- yes that is all the motivation I need in the morning The Early Show.

I am starting to think that I am having a breakdown of some sorts because I am writing a bunch of nonsense. Maybe that is because my friend has been sleeping for over 12 hours and I am incredibly bored. Anyway bye

I'm alive

I have tried unsucessfully to get my computer at my parents to work- the cookies are disabled again- and whatever magical powers I had last time are not working now. I'm up in Fairmont, MN just hanging out with Rebekah again. It is kind of a lazy weekend. We went to Fun with Dick and Jane this afternoon- it was amusing as long as it lasted- definitely not one that I would want to watch over and over again. Then we went shopping- which is always fun! We went out for supper and then attempted to go to some local 'hotspots', but gave up looking for excitement and came back to her house and watched Underworld- which I had never seen yet.

Anyway- I did finally see RENT. In fact, I went two weekends in a row. I loved it of course. Anthony Rapp is so good- the whole cast is phenomenal- especially Mr. Jesse Martin from Law and Order. I have a little bit of a crush on him now.

Last weekend I went to a George Strait concert in Fargo- it was with Miranda Lambert and Tracy Lawrence- it was really good- but I went with my brother (who was so hungover and in an incredibly pissy mood) and my parents (who suprisingly were fun to be around). All three performers did a great job- Tracy Lawrence was so much fun- I really didn't appreciate how many of his songs I loved. Country music is really good people- just check it out!

My shows are doing well- Lost is pretty interesting- they really have done a lot of revealations lately with the 'monster' and introducing us more clearly to 'the others'. I've got Rebekah and her husband hooked on it since they borrowed Season 1 from me- they are eagerly awaiting the release of the second season since they don't have cable television. I don't really think that I could survive without cable television- every once and a while I get the 'crazy' notion that the TV is bad for me and that I should cancel it- but then I come to my senses. It has been about 27 hours since I have been at home and I don't have my wonderful channels that tell me about the world going on around me and I feel like I'm going insane! Well- on to the next topic...

Gilmore Girls is definitely taking new twists and turns. They have an actress Cheryl Flinn(?) returning to the show after she played a different character about 3 years ago. She was Jess's newly found stepmom and now she is the mother of Luke's newly found out about child. So the source of actresses was so small that they had to bring her back? Anyway- I wonder where they are going with it.

Scrubs is back- which is awesome. I have been watching more sitcoms recently- My Name is Earl and The Office. Project Runway is back and just as fun as last time- gay male fashion designers are so overly dramatic. And basically those are the only shows I care about enough to try to watch.

So anyway- I'm going to go- I'm reading The Devil Wears Prada and it really is fun to imagine that world of glamour and all the bitches that run it.